Department Head Meeting, Stardate 15253
by reader304
Summary: In year 1 of the 5-year mission, the Enterprise crew must deal with an unexpected obstacle: holidays. Written in honor of International Women's Day.


When the captain arrived at the staff meeting, two department heads were already bickering.

"I'm telling ya, I cannot give you that much power without risking the whole array! You could burn it out!" The chief engineer was shouting, with his ears reddened in anger.

"I hardly think that's likely, Mr. Scott," the communications chief broke in, with a tone that suggested annoyance shading to anger. "And even if it were, the _importance_ of these messages certainly justifies-"

"What are you gonna tell the captain?"

"About what?" Captain Kirk interrupted.

Scotty and Uhura both turned their chairs to face him. Uhura recovered fastest and quickly said, "The communications department needs to request additional power on a short-term basis, sir, and engineering is questioning our math."

Scotty testily added, "It's not their math I'd question, Captain, it's their judgement. They're calling for us to overclock the communications computers by nearly 10%. It's madness!"

The captain glanced at each of the other department heads in the room. Ship's surgeon McCoy, helmsman Sulu, and Science Officer Spock's expressions all seemed to say, "don't ask _me_." Meanwhile, Uhura was focused on her PADD while Scotty glowered at her.

The captain took his seat. "I think we'd better back up a bit. Lt. Uhura, what does the communications department propose?"

Uhura looked up and coolly said, "We propose, sir, to transmit all Women's Day well-wishes and gift orders from our crew to their various loved ones, who reside on no fewer than 19 separate planets, in a timely fashion. This represents an increase in personal communications traffic of nearly 55% above baseline, sir, and every message is time-sensitive. So we need additional power for the broadcast. I'm transferring the exact numbers to everyone's PADD now, sir."

_Oh, it's the holidays_, Kirk realized. _I should've anticipated this. _"Thank you, lieutenant. Now, Mr. Scott, could you please summarize the objections you have to the plan as proposed by your colleague?"

Mr. Scott's ears were returning to normal hue, but he was still plainly annoyed. "It's not that I object to the plan in principle, you understand. Of course the additional traffic must be managed. But you must admit, extra power has to come from somewhere, and our equipment can only take so much. What would we do if we destroyed our broadcast computers sending holiday messages? Run quiet for the next 4 and a half years?"

Kirk had Uhura's plan open and was skimming the numbers. "Is it your opinion, Mr. Scott, that there is no way to accomplish this safely?" He asked.

"Well, not _no_ way. We could space the messages out over a longer period of time, for example, and get these out in 10 days."

"But Women's Day is next week," Uhura interjected. "We need to do this in 5 days, not 10."

"I see the conflict," Kirk said. He looked around the table to see how everyone else was taking this absurd conversation. McCoy was rolling his eyes, Spock was staring silently at his PADD, and Sulu looked like he was suppressing a laugh. "Out of curiosity, Miss Uhura, do you have an order or message from Scotty here on that list?"

Uhura smiled knowingly. "I certainly do, Captain. One message and one order for carnations, being dispatched to Earth, specifically Aberdeen, Scotland."

Kirk turned to Scotty with a similar smile. "Now, Scotty, I'm sending my own mother roses. What do you think either of our dear mothers would say if their flowers were to arrive 5 days late?"

Scotty leaned back in his chair and said, "Mine wouldn't say a word." He hesitated, then sheepishly added, "but, then again, she wouldn't have to."

"Exactly my thought," Kirk said. "You'd be able to feel her disappointment from clear across the galaxy, wouldn't you?"

Scotty nodded. "Aye, I sure could. But that doesn't change our situation here. And I cannot produce extra power by magic. Even if we sent ourselves back in time to turn 5 days into 10, we'd be trampling on our own dispatch frequencies. So we can only work with the variables we have right now."

Spock, who had been engrossed in his PADD for several minutes, finally spoke up. "In fact, Mr. Scott, you have overlooked one variable." The whole room turned to him. "You're correct that time is fixed, and our broadcasting systems are only designed for power levels to fluctuate within defined ranges. However, you have overlooked the issue of baseline bandwidth. If we could temporarily reduce the bandwidth that our communications array uses for routine broadcasts, we could boost the productivity of our subspace transmissions, while consuming relatively similar levels of power. Given the social importance of Women's Day, we could strategically prioritize messages related to the occasion, while postponing others."

Kirk stared at his first officer, as did everyone else. He suspected that Uhura was having the same thought that he was: _Why didn't I think of that?_

Spock met his captain's gaze and added, "I would be in favor of such a course of action, since my own mother has always expressed warm gratitude for the daisies I send her every year."

Dr. McCoy broke the silence first by saying, "Spock, you came dangerously close to expressing a sentiment, there."

Before the science officer could respond, Kirk cleared his throat and asked, "Lt. Uhura, I'd appreciate your opinion on the feasibility of Spock's plan."

Uhura perused her PADD for a minute, tapping her stylus on different tables to enlarge them. "We would have to run specific numbers to be sure, Captain, but I think he may be on the right track."

"Numbers," Kirk said, "luckily, we have several people aboard for whom numbers are a specialty. Scotty, I know we can't overclock by a full 10%. Please give us a figure on how much we _could_ overclock, over the course of 5 days, safely."

Scotty scribbled a few numbers on his PADD, deep concentration on his face. "Well, we might manage up to 3% excess, even 4% if we strained. I happen to know that the designers of the broadcast system were a wee bit conservative on paper, so giving 103% would put us within acceptable margins."

"Good," Kirk said, "so, in short we need to reduce this week's projected bandwidth requirements by 7%. I welcome suggestions from all corners."

Spock spoke first. "We have been in the habit of transmitting our location and vector to the nearest station twice daily. However, Starfleet regulations only require one check in per day. If we eliminated the second transmission, we could reduce the bandwidth need by approximately 0.0065%."

"It's a start," Kirk said quickly. _Although, not much of one._ "In addition, over the past three weeks that we've been carrying out geological scans, we've been reporting our results every other day. Am I correct to think that we could reduce that to one report per week?"

"Once a week would be acceptable," Spock conceded. "That would give us a power savings of 0.014%."

_Oh, this is going to take forever_, Kirk thought.

Uhura spoke up, "If I may, sir, I think we need to dream a little bigger if we're going to hit that 7% target."

"Agreed," Kirk said. "And, as I said, I'm open to suggestions."

Help came from an unexpected quarter. Helmsman Sulu said to Uhura, "I hope I'm reading these charts correctly, please correct me if I'm wrong, but...don't we devote more bandwidth to intraship communications than external messages, on average?"

"We do indeed," she said. "Ordinarily, intraship communications account for about 60% of our total. That won't be true this week, though."

Dr. McCoy lit up. "Wait a minute," he said, "That means we're thinking about this backwards!"

"Exactly!" Sulu said. "We're talking about cutting fractions of percents of our external communications, when internal messages are the real hogs. It's like arguing over crumbs while someone else walks away with the cake."

Uhura interrupted, "That might be true, but eliminating internal messages would be much harder. Stopping them would disrupt normal operations in most departments."

"Yes, but then again, isn't that the point of a holiday?" Kirk suggested. "Disrupting normal operations so that we can celebrate?"

Uhura smiled. "Maybe, sir, but we can't cancel a 5-year mission for Women's Day."

"Of course not," Kirk said, "But ships on long-term missions are allowed to alter S.O.P. as needed, on authority of the captain and first officer. Since Spock and I are in agreement about the urgency of floral deliveries, we can approve certain changes. Can't we, Mr. Spock?"

Spock nodded. "We certainly can, within reason of course."

"Well, what do you propose?" Uhura asked.

Kirk frowned at the PADD. "What about this line item, 'inter-departmental memo transmission - 30%'? Do we have to transmit every detail about every department's proceedings through the communications computers? Or could we insist on some old-fashioned face-to-face conversation?"

Scotty frowned and said, "What, and have every enlisted man running step-and-fetch-it all day? It'd be a hassle for everyone."

Dr. McCoy commented, "On the other hand, the quarterly physical fitness assessments are scheduled for the week after next. If we offered a prize for the top 2% of daily-steps-takers, I'm sure some of our more competitive crewmen would trip over themselves to carry inter-departmental messages."

Kirk smiled and said, "Thank you, Bones, I think that's just the ticket. Lt. Uhura, could someone with expertise in communication draft up a shipwide announcement explaining the short-term moratorium on memos, and announcing the contest?"

"Aye, sir, I'll handle it myself," Uhura said with a smile. "We'll have to leave some leeway for emergency reports, of course, but we could cut down on chatter."

"And let's look at the next line, "intradepartmental communications - 20%." Most of our departments are organized on 1 or 2 decks, practically shouting distance. Is there any reason why we're spending so much energy on this?"

"Well, in the engineering decks, you cannot hardly hear yourself think, let alone shout to other people," Scotty objected. "And the science labs have soundproofed areas, too."

Mr. Spock quickly said, "None of our soundproofed areas have ongoing experiments at the present time, Mr. Scott. One was expected to begin tomorrow, but it is of a sufficiently nonessential nature that we could postpone. We shall simply reallocate the personnel who were expected to work on it. An extra rest shift for each member of the science department could make up for any over-staffing. Furthermore, I suggest we examine the line, 'personal messages - 10%.' Surely any necessary social communications can take place without computer access."

"What good's an extra rest shift if there's no one to talk to? Sulu asked, "Should we order everyone to spend their rest time in the rec room?"

"Not order," Kirk said. "Invite. We'll host a series of events in the rec rooms and gyms. People who want to chat will have somewhere to go, and people who don't can spend their downtime as usual."

"You mean you want to throw a party, Jim?" Dr. McCoy asked with a twinkle in his eye. "A proper ladies' night, perhaps?"

"No, no, not that kind of party. I'm sure we can come up with a few activities that would fully honor the cherished tradition of Women's Day."

"Like a talent show?" Uhura suggested. "Songs, dances, comedy routines organized around the holiday theme?"

"Precisely," Kirk said, "Now we're talking. A talent show with some modest prizes."

"The Botany Club would be delighted to provide some orchids as trophies, Captain," said Sulu. "And on the same lines as the doctor's idea, might I suggest some athletic competitions in the gym? We could play some sports as men vs. women vs. other, like in PE class back home."

"That would please our athletic clubs," said Spock, "And provide another boost to Dr. McCoy's fitness assessments, as well. For those aboard who do not enjoy competition, we can host a movie marathon. I'm sure our librarians could select tapes that showcase great women."

"With 19 planets' worth of history to choose from, I'm certain they could," said Kirk. "So let's see, we've got a steps competition, athletic tournament, talent show, movie marathon, scientific schedule-juggling, and a reduction in reports broadcasted to Starfleet. Lt. Uhura, in your professional opinion, could we hit Scotty's 103% target if we pare down communications bandwidth through those measures?"

Before he finished the sentence Scotty was already saying, "I'm sure if anyone could make the math work, it would be our Uhura, captain."

Uhura smiled back. "Indeed, I think I could."

"All right. That settles it. Now," the captain said, "Do we have additional business, or should we adjourn this meeting and start planning the Women's Day celebrations?"


End file.
